Me: What makes you ask that, buddy?
Little Dude: That's what the kids at school called me because I kissed you goodbye this morning on the lips.
Yes, that actually happened. our little mancub was about 6 years old when we had this conversation. What's really going to flip your lid is where that school was. Hint: it is the last place you would expect to find bigotry around gender identity or orientation. Seriously. The last place. I'm not even going to tell you where just to make you guess.
The message is clear. Men don't kiss each other. Unless they're gay (unspoken: and those aren't real men). Keep in mind that I spent the first 6 weeks of my son's life at home with him, and ended a successful career to go back to school so that I could experience more life (especially life with him). I gave him his first bath. I cleaned up his first poo on the countertop after his first bath, prompting his second bath. He fell asleep on my chest so often that it became a thing. We are a physically affectionate family, so to my son, kissing his dad goodbye was just business as usual. It would be one thing if the kids had just asked why our family kisses goodbye (families navigate this stuff differently). Instead it was an opportunity to participate in the bigotry of our culture, using an entire group of people as an insult regularly: how gay. Gay as in happy or cheery? Or gay like you're a bigot?
The many problems with bigotry are well documented. It has been likened to a prison sentence. Whether racism, sexism, ablism, agism, or any number on the list, we take certain behaviors or ways of being, attribute them to a group of people and lock them in a prison cell for it. The Great White Male benefits from this system, and is often seen as participating in the locking up, even when he doesn't intend to participate. This is the outward, obvious evil at work in bigotry and dehumanization. What no one ever questions is the cost to the Great White Male.
To be clear, Great White Males most certainly benefit from this system, and participate without even intending, but every time we slam the cell door on a behavior or way of being we attribute to a group, we cut ourselves off from the behavior or way of being. We may be the prison guards, but we're still in the prison! DUH! THIS IS A SHITTY, NO WIN SYSTEM!
If you want to know what happens when you take normal people and drop them into the role of guard or prisoner, check out the basic wiki on the Stanford Prison Experiment a few decades ago. Hint: IT WAS SO HORRIBLY DEHUMANIZING IT WAS INTERRUPTED AND CANCELLED. We are all so sickened by what happened in the Abhu Graib prisoner abuse scandal, but we decided to simply lock up those who committed the atrocious acts as guards (or let them off with no real consequences). The real problem is the what happens when we create a prisoner/guard dynamic. A better question might be how on earth did young people who signed on for military duty to defend their homes end up being twisted to the point that they could do these things?
This is the problem with bigotry. Great White Males benefit from the many -isms that collude with our culture, and at the same time, are imprisoned by it. Not imprisoned the same way everyone else is, but nonetheless made to serve this system by constantly being taught that we will lose everything if we disobey it.
This is why the 30 days in a skirt project is important to me. The skirt is simply a symbol that can be used to start a larger discussion about privilege. I have something at stake in every single struggle for justice. Even though I benefit every day from our system of -isms, I also am cut off from really important things like how I relate to my kids. That's not a cost I am willing to pay.
Ok. I lied. I'll tell you where the school was. It was in Berkeley, California. That's how strong the binary gender messages are in this country. Even in a place like Berkeley, kids clearly receive the message of how males are allowed to relate to each other.
To be clear, Great White Males most certainly benefit from this system, and participate without even intending, but every time we slam the cell door on a behavior or way of being we attribute to a group, we cut ourselves off from the behavior or way of being. We may be the prison guards, but we're still in the prison! DUH! THIS IS A SHITTY, NO WIN SYSTEM!
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| The Abhu Graib abuse illustrates the dangers of the Guard/Prisoner dynamic |
This is the problem with bigotry. Great White Males benefit from the many -isms that collude with our culture, and at the same time, are imprisoned by it. Not imprisoned the same way everyone else is, but nonetheless made to serve this system by constantly being taught that we will lose everything if we disobey it.
This is why the 30 days in a skirt project is important to me. The skirt is simply a symbol that can be used to start a larger discussion about privilege. I have something at stake in every single struggle for justice. Even though I benefit every day from our system of -isms, I also am cut off from really important things like how I relate to my kids. That's not a cost I am willing to pay.
Ok. I lied. I'll tell you where the school was. It was in Berkeley, California. That's how strong the binary gender messages are in this country. Even in a place like Berkeley, kids clearly receive the message of how males are allowed to relate to each other.
This is why I have not transitioned. Becoming part of white male culture freaks me out more than being an exceedingly genderqueer army of dykeness.
ReplyDeleteFirst: I so needed that laugh, Mel. Can I be a cook in your army? Second: Transitioning is a big thing. Love and energy to you as you shine in all you do every day! No matter what your gender space, the kids you work with every day are taught by your very model of being awesome.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up Royce, you're an inspiration! A few weeks ago as I was leaving a church function I said goodbye to a gay friend of mine. We kissed, what a great way to say "I love you." I care for you. Another thought, why are we still using gender specific names for our partners? Husband/wife lets drop those and just use spouse. A perfectly good English word. Saves a lot of confusion in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYeah to spouse! Thanks for jumping in, Bob!
DeleteI like the point that whether a prisoner or guard, you are still in prison. I also heard a phrase, "Even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat." In exploring what is beyond privilege, I offer a resource called Non-violent (compassionate) Communication brought forth by Marshall Rosenberg. He calls his work "A language of life." Applying his work and communicating tuned into feelings and universal human needs has brought exponential more peace to my experiences at work as an employer, and a racial minority in my community - two roles that can appear at the opposite ends of the spectrum of privilege. I resonate with Marshall's words, "What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart." I appreciate that you are taking action for what is important to you Royce - I am inspired by the courage, and the integrity to live your life authentically.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kim! As always, you share from a deep river!
DeleteI've often wondered what my son's friends think about me giving him a kiss every day when I drop him off at school. I've worried that the Great White Male in him, and his friends, might cause him to ask me to stop. Instead, the opposite. He doesn't care what his friends might think. He looks forward to that sign of affection, and actually get's upset when he doesn't get it (when my spouse drops him off - she gives him a kiss, but it wasn't from dad). At this point, I see it as my responsibility to fight male privilege in general, in the best way I can think of - by showing my son, and his friends, that men/dads CAN show love to other males, too. There's nothing wrong with it.. honestly, I think there is something wrong with not doing it.
ReplyDeleteThat was how my son handled it, too. He decided gay was a compliment. Love your thoughts on sharing affection being a powerful way to undermine male privilege!
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